Much has been written about men and midlife crisis but the reality is that women have them too – but in a very different way.
Take Jenny, for example. She was raised in the 1960s and, through watching her mother, she learnt that a woman’s role was to create harmony and be there for others. As a young girl she was also rewarded for being quiet, passive and compliant and she is still influenced by this early conditioning. As she felt increasingly dissatisfied, she couldn’t understand why. “I was depressed, angry and resentful. Yet when I looked at my life I had all that was meant to make me happy.”
Then there’s John, who also felt dissatisfied as he hurtled towards middle age. Just as John was given his dream promotion, he realised he had come to hate his job. “Every day I walked into the bank I felt that a part of me was dying. Eventually the anxiety attacks got so strong I wondered if I was literally going to die.” John was raised in the ’50s. Through watching his father he learnt that a man defined himself through his work and that his role was to provide for his family. As a young boy he was also rewarded for being logical, strong, active, decisive, pragmatic and in control, especially of his feelings. “I felt trapped. I had the job and the salary I’d wanted but all I felt was a devastating emptiness inside me. At night I’d just sit and watch television or play computer games. I’d then toss and turn in bed all night.”
The psychological significance of this desire for change at midlife was first explained by Carl Jung, the renowned Swiss psychologist. He said that for healthy development in the first half of life, we create a lifestyle and an understanding of who we are based on what parents, peers, partners and society in general expect of us. We learn that parts of us are not acceptable and these parts are repressed. For healthy development in the second half of life we need to create a life based on who we truly are. To do this we need to complete two main developmental tasks: to find ways to go within to reclaim these repressed parts of ourselves; and then to create a lifestyle based on this increased understanding.
It is during our mid to late 30s that our psyche encourages us to start shaping this new self and is usually experienced as an inner knowing and turbulent feelings. If we ignore these inner promptings, our relationships, work, and mental and physical health suffer. Jenny explains: “The day after my parents’ party I felt numb. I was in trouble and I knew I needed help. The next week I saw a counsellor a girlfriend told me about. It was such a relief to talk about all these conflicting feelings inside me. Then the big blow came. I found a lump and it was breast cancer. For now I’m living apart from my family to attend treatment in the city and I’ve lost the job I loved.”
Despite all of this, when you meet Jenny you are impressed by her vitality. “Although the treatment isn’t easy and I miss my family terribly, I am relishing having time for myself.”
A midlife crisis for a female is typically about choosing to put her needs ahead of others. Conditioned to not rock the boat and to do things quietly, her crisis is often barely visible. She will put up with a lot of discomfort before doing anything to damage her relationship structure. Jenny explains: “I am learning to assert myself, especially with my family. I don’t want to be at everybody’s beck and call anymore. I am getting better at saying ‘No’. My mother has the greatest difficulty accepting my new behaviour, however my girlfriends are fantastic. Once I started being honest about what was going on for me, most people in my life were very supportive.”
Women are often able to navigate the uncertainty of midlife because of their highly developed intuitive, receptive, creative and caring side. Along with many other baby boomers, writer Ruth Ostrow moved to Byron Bay in her late 30s. “No longer was fame and fortune enough. I needed to get off the treadmill and find ways to nourish my self.” Her recently published book, Sacred & Naked, explores her midlife sea change.
Similarly, in her mid 30s Anna broke off her engagement to her partner of five years and left her high-powered corporate job. “I’m now running my own business, planning to start a family with my new partner, and pursuing my passion for creating mosaics. I’ve also started a pottery course.”
In leaving the conditioning of childhood behind, women take control of their lives. They find creative ways to earn a living, assert themselves, and explore a variety of ways to express their sensuality and sexuality. You’ll find them joining new groups, attending all sorts of festivals, signing up for workshops and retreats and volunteering for meaningful causes.
By comparison, when men experience inner turmoil at midlife, they typically withdraw from family, friends and social life, as John did, or act out, with showy behaviour such as affairs, endless acquisition, manic exercise, overwork and other addictions; anything but be receptive to the inner promptings. At 40, Greg was juggling a successful career involving long absences from his wife and children, a mistress nearly half his age and a gambling addiction. “I’d look at my work, my family, my life, and think: ‘Is this all there is?’ It was only after he sought counselling – when his second marriage ended in his late 40s – that he realised he had been having a prolonged midlife crisis. “I wish I’d sought help earlier,” he says now.
Traditionally, men have found it hard to seek support, but this seems to be changing.
Terry Melvin, manager at the telephone support service Mensline Australia says: “The response to our telephone-counselling service has been overwhelming. This seems to be because the technology is more attractive to men seeking help – there is easy access, it is anonymous and they have control. Other men-specific programs are also well attended.”
It often takes a traumatic event such as divorce, job loss or death of a loved one for a man to start acknowledging his inner life. John explains: “When my father died I cried for the first time in 35 years and I didn’t stop for three days. After his funeral I took a month off work. I thought about how I was now the older generation and the next to die. I finally decided to tell my wife and son how I was feeling. They were so supportive; I wish I’d spoken to them earlier. They agreed we could live off Ruth’s income. Then I went on a sort of quest. I learnt yoga and meditation at the local community centre; I started counselling where I revisited painful childhood memories and I attended a men’s weekend. I’m relating to everybody around me differently. My family life has improved and I have established close friendships with a couple of men from the weekend. I’ve now decided to fulfil a lifelong passion and study interior design. I’ve never felt so fulfilled.”
My research on midlife transition indicates that women embrace this time of midlife change with greater ease than men.
Dr Peter O’ Connor, psychologist and author of Facing the Fifties, explains, “At midlife, men need to develop their capacity to wait rather than always moving to action. Then they can move through their 50s with greater ease. However, many have difficulty in connecting with their inner world at midlife, which means they often experience a delayed midlife crisis at or around 50 years of age. If then they don’t develop their receptivity, it compounds the problems of getting older.”
So how would you know if you are experiencing a midlife crisis? If you are aged between 35 and 50 years and are experiencing uncharacteristic feelings, thoughts and behaviours, which may include a sense of a loss of meaning, feelings of being trapped and overburdened by responsibility, depression, boredom, anxiety and dissatisfaction with work, then you are likely to be experiencing a midlife crisis. If you have started to make changes in your life based on an increased understanding of who you are, and what is most meaningful to you, then you have started navigating midlife transition.
Whether we experience the beginning of midlife transition as a full-blown crisis or as a gradual change depends on a variety of things, including perceived flexibility within the present situation, personality type, past experiences and life skills.
When we first start getting messages from our unconscious, some of us make gradual changes from the beginning, while some of us ignore them. If we ignore these inner promptings, by our early 40s the inner tension can become too great, resulting in a midlife crisis. This crisis is a point of choice. It’s as though we are standing over a chasm. One foot is in the first half of our life surrounded by all our conditioned values. The other foot is stepping towards another life full of personal meaning and based around our own true values.
Some names in this story have been changed.
TEN TIPS FOR MIDLIFE TRANSITION
• Take time out every day to reflect on how you feel emotionally and physically.
• When another’s behaviour upsets you, ask yourself: “Could this represent an aspect of myself I need to own?”
• Notice your dreams, daydreams, doodles and drawings – they can be signs from your unconscious self.
• Have at least one person, other than an immediate family member, you can speak to with ease about your inner world and your life – it may be a friend or a qualified professional.
• Notice your inner thoughts and decide if they help you to create the life you want; if they don’t, challenge them.
• Learn to express your own needs, thoughts and feelings in a way that leaves others free to do the same.
• If you have addictions ask: “What inner pain are they distracting me from?”
• Who do you admire? Could they represent a projected part of your inner “gold” you need to own?
• When you wake in the middle of the night, notice what thought wakes you.
• And most importantly, find simple ways to bring play, passion and joy into your life. What did you love doing when young? What totally absorbs you?
